Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
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This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, “I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?”
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That’s terrible! In two years, my life [...]
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
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Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.
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Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you’ve got it again!
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As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
“In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober”
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Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be eighty.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you
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Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
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Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill
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Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
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